We was movin' kinda fast, but the feelin' was right 
We should cruise out to Nevada, get married tonight
Life is simple, 'long as you in my life
Watchin' fireworks in the sky
In the summers, we spent the nights makin' love in the park
We was buzzin' off cherry wine, lookin' up at the stars
Often blissful, how you feel in my arms
Woke up, you was singin' this song like
I'm calling it now, I'm calling it now, I'm calling it now 
You'll find love with me somehow, yeah, somehow

Now playing: Fire In The Sky - Anderson .Paak

Doubt thou the stars are fire, Doubt that the sun doth move, Doubt truth to be a liar, But never doubt I love.
 - William Shakespeare.

"I really do in love with you and I want to commit with you. I really feel grateful to find you, please wait for me while I'm preparing things up to start a life with you in it... You're the one that I've been looking for this whole time, believe me that I truly love you and want to be with you". First time I heard about it, I can't trust it 100%, how can a man said such sweet words just after 3 months? I'm afraid if I believe him, he will be another man breaking my heart in the end. But now I'm sure that he will do the exact thing that he said.

Every time we spend time together and learn about each other, I keep falling in love again with this man. I might have loved before but with him.. it's different. It's peaceful, it's mature, it's patient, and it grows every single day. I always love the way he made me feel and the way he thinks; he really is a mature man, he is calm and not turbulent, he expresses his feelings well. Even if in his sadness and anger, he still treats me very well and not dragging me inside his bad feelings.. lots of things that I never think can be exist in a man. I believe I can rely to him whenever I need him, and I will always try to be his home whenever he needs me.

I once thought I know what love is, but now I realize what kind of love that I want. I want that effortless and peaceful love. However, not like anyone else who wishes to meet their soulmate sooner, I am happy to meet him just like this. If we meet sooner, we might not be ready and fit properly to each other. Now I just want to be patient and grow together with him, and be hopeful of our next journey in a few years. H & H, isn't that looks beautiful to be written somewhere special? ❤︎ 

Have you ever loved someone so much till you found out you both can't be together and it hurts your heart as much? I have. I was madly in love with him, but I start to accept the truth that we won't be together. As it gave pain in my chest, I was surprised, knowing that that flame in me, started to fade. It started with I was no longer having long chats with him. Then, I didn't want to go out with him on weekends. Conversations started to be boring. And I, don't care anymore what he's doing, and where he was with. I just doing simple conversation like "how's your day?". But I'm not excited anymore, with dates. But, what was hard is to wave goodbye and say to his face that this is over. I want to wait for the good timing.


A friend of mine, said "there's no such thing like good timing. Just say it to him". And now, it's done. It's done after my dad's funeral. We broke up. Anyone would say I am a crazy bitch for leaving someone like him... He loved me, he had his finance planned, and he was ready to tying the knot with me. But I ain't like his sister in law who go against her own parents just to marry someone that she think she loves. I am tired to have to choose between my partner and my family. I might fell into those days alone when I got wet when it rains, and I got burned off when the sun is out. Those days when I do shopping by myself, and eat in the restaurants by myself. Those days I when I missed him but I can't tell him anymore because we are not friends. I just don't feel I will take him for granted, I am much more human than that. I will survive the hard days like I used to. When nobody loves me, when I am just a stranger in a crowd that doesn't even stand out. I already used to be alone.

He loves me, he loves me, he loves me, and I love him back. But I just never find joy, in our relationship. I never find peace. I continuously have battle of my mind and my heart. And I'm such a pussy for hiding it these years. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But, he is not gonna be my man anymore. I will find my own happiness without him in it. I'm tired of getting happy, but in the end knowing that it won't lasts.. that these happy days will pass and he will eventually become a bittersweet memory of my past.

I'm grateful to have him giving his best fight with me, the fight against the world that much stronger than us. I was stubborn, I wanted him forever by my side, when at the same time I realized he was always out of my league.

With my heart on my sleeve, it's harder to leave. 

Since the beginning, I was close to 2 wonderful men. Both of them has their own magic in bringing me happiness, and has their own unique flaws. One was golden-hearted and always helping me out in my college task (yes, I do attracted with smart person, stupidity is something that I literally hate); and the other one is just a humble, humorous person whose the personality matches me perfectly. Let's call them Mr. Smart and Mr. Humble. Mr. Smart drives my heart to the moon and back, but it's always Mr. Humble that knows my 2 AM thoughts, dark jokes and sorrow. 

"What if I like a girl, but there's another man that likes her and they are both very close to each other?" Mr. Humble sighs, not long after knowing that I locked my heart to Mr. Smart in a relationship. Knowing that Mr. Humble said that, a little part of my heart breaks. I wonder how different life could be if he doesn't miss me...


Years later, lots of things happen, and I've broken up with Mr. Smart. Now I'm trying to live the fullest each day until I am ready to commit again with someone.. and somehow I hope that next someone is Mr. Humble. He is someone that I can trust and I know closely, for now. I can say that we're as close as before.. but he has changed. I don't know if this could be my second chance or not. However in most cases, chance never knows twice, and we'll need to bear the consequences until the day we die... 




Hi 2021! I do hope it's not the extended version of 2020, hahaha. Lots of thing happens in my life through 2020: lots of death, in the world, and in my family.. My grandmother and my father died in 2020. Life goes on, sometimes the sadness kicks in when I remember moments with them, however I always remind myself that every living soul will someday die, we're just waiting for our turn to go. Thankfully I received so much love and support from my circle so I can go through the hard times. I hope in 2021 life will be better, I do miss travelling so much! I wish to visit Singapore and Japan as soon as they don't ban travellers from Indonesia, hahaha. I'll also be saving up the budget to visit West Europe, within the next 5 years (hope so)...

Have a nice day fellas!

If there's a better word than I Love You, I would've been using it and saying it to you.

- Billy Darmawan

 

Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.

- Liam Neeson

My mom told me to forgive but not to forget, so you couldn't be fooled twice. Seemed like I misunderstood it and took it as "not forgiving at all". I still can't get it, how can you forgive someone without not forgetting their faults? Because if you still remember their faults, those anger and disappointments stay still in your heart and mind. And for me, if I want to have peace and forgive, I have to forget. And I finally understand that forgiving is about giving peace to you, not just about you are right and they are wrong. People may call us foolish, but the most foolish person might be the happiest one. 

I'm feeling like a fool every time I remember my love story. We both are like asymptote line, we can get closer and closer but never meant to be together. But he's my cup of tea, at least he was. Now, as we don't speak anymore, his existence starts to fade between my schedule. I also get myself busy towards other things, yes you can call it as my denial of his memory. I don't wanna sit in the corner and always be remembered by his sweet things. I'm letting you go, as my past love. But I made promise not to wave goodbye to you, I will try my best to work our friendship, keeping it in the best way it could be. If you read this, please understand that I was having a rough time, adapting to live without someone I really care.. but you are my cup of tea, and always are.







Hi and hi. After all these months I post about my outfit again! I have thought about abandoning this blog and do my works in college, but everytime I have spare time, I always find myself writing love stories and taking pictures again, to be posted here. I can't express how I like writing beautiful sentences. Maybe I should write a novel? hahaha it was my childhood dream and I dunno if I can make it happen. Now, I am positioned at a critical position in my student organization. I can't easily say no and have myself a lazy time, because they need me. It's also out of my mind to get this position. I just volunteering and helping in the events that held by the organization, but one day, out of blue, I was chosen to have this position. Doing things that you love, can make you go far..

And this post actually was for the Christmas outfit! haha look at the green and red there! however I was too busy managing my "job" in organization, college works, and lately, my own entrepreneur project, so this post was suspended until earlier Feb, ahaha. I'll write more about things that I'm working on, soon! So excited to share about my project with you all :)

Till we meet again, fellas! Believe me I'll get myself back here in every spare time that I have :)

Friday morning, 6 AM. I woke up and I didn't even remember my dream, usually I did. I just felt really motivated to start a new day. People said that you knew you were in love when the reality was better than your dreams, and I agreed. I felt the adrenaline ran in my blood, kept my heart beating fast and my mind went wild, wondering how amazing it would be when I finally sat in front of him and listened to his stories after a long and tiring day. 

Dear the shy boy that secretly has the heart of gold, 


You are the one that catch my eyes recently. First time I met you, I didn't expect to fall in love with you, at all. But I have to admit that I get interested quickly with smart guys. And that leads from just a "wow, he's so damn smart" to sparkles in my eyes every time you are around.


Sometimes I wonder why my heart chooses you. Feelings work in mysterious yet illogical ways, those things that my brain can't take, are the same things that my heart insists to have.
 


Dear my love, please be in love with someone else better than me. It would break my heart into pieces, but it'd also give me courage to move on. Because as long as we are still close, my heart would always want you and my brain can't stop it, my brain can't stop that ridiculous thing called love. My heart would still skip a beat every time I see your smile. My knees would still turn into jelly every time I hear your deep and manly voice. My body would still feel safe near your strong arms. My lips would still smile when I see your stupid random acts. Those feelings are beautiful, but I'm enough with this, I can clearly see how this one ends.



I'm thankful to have you turning my world upside down and bring my heart in a roller-coaster. I wish I could fall in love with someone else, to heal my wounded heart just like you heal me once. But until that time, let's create good memories of us, so when it comes to wave goodbye, we are wearing smile in our lips and don't let the tears out of our eyes.