Let me feel this feeling... even if it's just temporary..

because nobody can make me smile like you do..

Recently, I feel a strange feeling that I haven't felt for years. I remember exactly when the last time I feel that, it's 11th October 2010, the day when I breakup with my (ex)bf. Since that day, I can't feel anything. I became a cold, geek, and boring girl. In try to forget the heartbreak, I study all day long, never touch internet and computer again, and neglect this blog, for approximately 6 months (until the National Examination for 9th grader, Junior High School). I wanna show him and the world, that Imma rare girl, and breaking my heart will be the worst mistake that he ever done. Then yeah, I'm pretty satisfied with the achievements I reached because of the "broken-heart attack".

Okay, that's just an intermezzo. Now, let's back to the topic. I feel a strange feeling that I haven't felt for years, I'm pretty sure that's love. I always wait for his message, looking at my blackberry every minutes like a fool.. then when his message appear, I can't stop smiling. I sleep late, I wake up early. Recently he becomes my sunshine in my cloudy days. He brings what I have asked to God every night. He fulfill the emptiness in my heart.



Every time I open my eyes in the morning, the first breath I inhaled is for him. I still here, it's because of him. But, I don't have the brave to tell him this feeling. I just feel...this is not the right time. I have to wait. For now, I just wanna consider this as a dream, not reality. I'm too scared to "wake up", I'm too scared of losing him. I just wish that he could feel what I feel right now, and still look at me with his shining eyes, like yesterday, without changes... I'm just too shy to say "I love you".

It's almost two month after I started to feel this, and now I think it's time to move on. I can't stuck here forever, waiting for him. Though I have a strong feeling for him. We both are way too different. So, I decided to let go.. and call him "my brother", not "my love". I wish all the best for his education and life. (Now he studies about medical treatment, in Pelita Harapan University) If we could turn back our time, I will hold myself not to talk much with you.. I'll try to not fall with you. Meeting you, I even don't know is it a miracle or a mistake..



However nothing's gonna change my love for him. I just try not to show my feelings and caring for him anymore. Actually we all, the humans, will never stop loving someone.. we just try to live without them in our life. Dear Mr. J, once again I wish u all the best :)

I'm letting you go not because you're bad or something else..


it's because you make me wait for too long.

Have you feel deeply loved by someone and in love with someone, but suddenly they leave you and never come back?


That's what I feel, every 1st March.


This date, is the birthday of the most wonderful boy I ever met. He's my first crush, when I was in junior high. I hope my relationship with him will lasts forever, 'till we both become an old couple, watching our grandchild running around.. Sitting together in a rocking chair.. on a small comfortable house countryside.. Passing the rest of our life together..



Until that day come.. 13th November 2009.


The day he passed away, after he struggle to beat his sickness for 17 years. Yes, since he was a little baby, he must to face his sickness by himself.




He is not a desperate person. He always fight for what he deserves, especially the life he has dreamed every night before he fall asleep. Maybe, the reason why he passed away in his young age, isn't because he already give up to fight.. But because Our Creator's love for him.. God wants to give him a life he deserves, not in earth, but in another life.


At first I can't accept this and can't let him go. I don't understand this... However as the time goes by, I realize this is the best way to make him happy, at least in another life. Yah, God's most unfair way for us actually the fairest path to walk through..






 Katy's The One that Got Away music video perfectly describes my feeling to him. I think you all have watched the original video, so in this post I give you the acoustic version of this song :)

---

Wishing you all the goods and loves, fellas!
Sincerely,






P.S: Alvano, you have secured an eternal place in my heart. I will always love you.

Hello Loves!

As life gets us and face us to reality, some days in every years, like today, is a day to dream and wishing something that we have asked for ages, to come true. I'm not a big fan of Valentine's Day, which most people celebrate by sending chocolate, roses, or teddy bear. But I appreciate this kind of ceremony, because Valentine's Day reminds us that Love still exist and still become one of some important things that we need--as a human and also as a social creature.









Girlz pink tank top, unbranded pink dots dress, Untamed black short legging, Sox Galeri black socks, Nevada ankle boots.




Actually I don't like to show off my face, lol, like the common photographer: Love to photograph, but doesn't love to be photographed.. So I set a "shiny and dreamy" photo-shoot with lots of white.. Anyway these photograph (taken by Jason, my little bro) is awesome in my standard, so I think to share it with you, for Valentine's Day post :) Sketch above is my drawings, I draw it last year when there's a Drawing subject in my school. Still raw and need much more practices and details.. but at least this sketch is a "print-out" of what kind of guy that I admire.. hahaha.. :p
What kind of guy/girl that you admire? It's a honor if you let me know it ;)






Warm Regards,
Helena Natanael ♥