Have you ever loved someone so much till you found out you both can't be together and it hurts your heart as much? I have. I was madly in love with him, but I start to accept the truth that we won't be together. As it gave pain in my chest, I was surprised, knowing that that flame in me, started to fade. It started with I was no longer having long chats with him. Then, I didn't want to go out with him on weekends. Conversations started to be boring. And I, don't care anymore what he's doing, and where he was with. I just doing simple conversation like "how's your day?". But I'm not excited anymore, with dates. But, what was hard is to wave goodbye and say to his face that this is over. I want to wait for the good timing.


A friend of mine, said "there's no such thing like good timing. Just say it to him". And now, it's done. It's done after my dad's funeral. We broke up. Anyone would say I am a crazy bitch for leaving someone like him... He loved me, he had his finance planned, and he was ready to tying the knot with me. But I ain't like his sister in law who go against her own parents just to marry someone that she think she loves. I am tired to have to choose between my partner and my family. I might fell into those days alone when I got wet when it rains, and I got burned off when the sun is out. Those days when I do shopping by myself, and eat in the restaurants by myself. Those days I when I missed him but I can't tell him anymore because we are not friends. I just don't feel I will take him for granted, I am much more human than that. I will survive the hard days like I used to. When nobody loves me, when I am just a stranger in a crowd that doesn't even stand out. I already used to be alone.

He loves me, he loves me, he loves me, and I love him back. But I just never find joy, in our relationship. I never find peace. I continuously have battle of my mind and my heart. And I'm such a pussy for hiding it these years. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But, he is not gonna be my man anymore. I will find my own happiness without him in it. I'm tired of getting happy, but in the end knowing that it won't lasts.. that these happy days will pass and he will eventually become a bittersweet memory of my past.

I'm grateful to have him giving his best fight with me, the fight against the world that much stronger than us. I was stubborn, I wanted him forever by my side, when at the same time I realized he was always out of my league.

With my heart on my sleeve, it's harder to leave. 

Let me walk you back to the memory lane and tell you a kinda long story of me in this post :)
 

Not long after the "diary era" of me, I was introduced to computer and I fell in love with technology. I liked playing The Sims after school until bed time, and I had myself registered too in Friendster, Facebook, and Blogger. I remember I can spend 50k rupiahs a day just to text with my friends, then I will not have any credit in my number to call or text anymore, and my parents wont recharge it until next month, they give me only 50k rupiahs a month! so I start chatting in social medias to keep my credit in my prepaid number safe. I remember using eBuddy, Messenger, YM, gee feeling so old right now! Then, I started to write more about chit-chat and what I feel in the blog (because a diary is so childish, huh). I also like to decorate my blog, have a blog walking too and get inspired from some fashion blogger. They have a lovely minimalist blog layout, and also have interesting stories written in every post. And... my blog started to transforming into a fashion blog.

After my dad retired from his job, right before I enter college, I start to think how can I help reduce living cost. I started to get serious with my blog, and it worked, at first I just got 1 piece of clothing to endorse, but then I get lots of things from internet endorsement (yes, this is way before instagram popular), like necklaces, watch, shoes, dresses, beauty box, shampoo, and painting.. I also started to have some online shops pay for a banner in my blog (until now), and I'm paid using dollar :D

This is the feeling that I feel again when I am selected as a speaker in a Webinar, representing my company, Tokopedia! Woohoo! I really am excited for this! It's the second external publication that I have, after being featured in KOMPAS newspaper in 2012. I hope I can help the participant in the Webinar to know more about web programming and have a fruitful session with me.

Who's the most important of all?

At one day, there are some body parts gathered to decide who is the most important of all body parts. Eyes said, "I am the most important! Because without me, human cannot see anything and feel hopeless". Legs said, "No, I am! without me, human will not be able to walk and will need help from other human for the rest of their lives". Brain said, "oh for sure it must be me, without me, there will be no life, I control all of inner and outer organ in a human body!". With little hesitation, Anus speak up, "I believe I am important too!". All the other body parts laugh at Anus, Brain said "no one will said that to you!". Anus feel sad and then he stopped doing his job. Within 2 days, all the other body part feel very sick and cannot operate too, because without Anus, all the toxic cannot be dumped out of the human body. Finally Brain said to Anus, "Hey mate, sorry for what we've said to you, you are important, all of us is unique and important to do our jobs, no one is the most important, without you we'll also die slowly".

 

- from a book that I read when I was a junior high school girl, I forget where I read it. 

***

Since the beginning, I was close to 2 wonderful men. Both of them has their own magic in bringing me happiness, and has their own unique flaws. One was golden-hearted and always helping me out in my college task (yes, I do attracted with smart person, stupidity is something that I literally hate); and the other one is just a humble, humorous person whose the personality matches me perfectly. Let's call them Mr. Smart and Mr. Humble. Mr. Smart drives my heart to the moon and back, but it's always Mr. Humble that knows my 2 AM thoughts, dark jokes and sorrow. 

"What if I like a girl, but there's another man that likes her and they are both very close to each other?" Mr. Humble sighs, not long after knowing that I locked my heart to Mr. Smart in a relationship. Knowing that Mr. Humble said that, a little part of my heart breaks. I wonder how different life could be if he doesn't miss me...


Years later, lots of things happen, and I've broken up with Mr. Smart. Now I'm trying to live the fullest each day until I am ready to commit again with someone.. and somehow I hope that next someone is Mr. Humble. He is someone that I can trust and I know closely, for now. I can say that we're as close as before.. but he has changed. I don't know if this could be my second chance or not. However in most cases, chance never knows twice, and we'll need to bear the consequences until the day we die... 




Hi 2021! I do hope it's not the extended version of 2020, hahaha. Lots of thing happens in my life through 2020: lots of death, in the world, and in my family.. My grandmother and my father died in 2020. Life goes on, sometimes the sadness kicks in when I remember moments with them, however I always remind myself that every living soul will someday die, we're just waiting for our turn to go. Thankfully I received so much love and support from my circle so I can go through the hard times. I hope in 2021 life will be better, I do miss travelling so much! I wish to visit Singapore and Japan as soon as they don't ban travellers from Indonesia, hahaha. I'll also be saving up the budget to visit West Europe, within the next 5 years (hope so)...

Have a nice day fellas!

This post was dedicated to appreciate Earth Hour.




Hi readers!