Have you ever loved someone so much till you found out you both can't be together and it hurts your heart as much? I have. I was madly in love with him, but I start to accept the truth that we won't be together. As it gave pain in my chest, I was surprised, knowing that that flame in me, started to fade. It started with I was no longer having long chats with him. Then, I didn't want to go out with him on weekends. Conversations started to be boring. And I, don't care anymore what he's doing, and where he was with. I just doing simple conversation like "how's your day?". But I'm not excited anymore, with dates. But, what was hard is to wave goodbye and say to his face that this is over. I want to wait for the good timing.


A friend of mine, said "there's no such thing like good timing. Just say it to him". And now, it's done. It's done after my dad's funeral. We broke up. Anyone would say I am a crazy bitch for leaving someone like him... He loved me, he had his finance planned, and he was ready to tying the knot with me. But I ain't like his sister in law who go against her own parents just to marry someone that she think she loves. I am tired to have to choose between my partner and my family. I might fell into those days alone when I got wet when it rains, and I got burned off when the sun is out. Those days when I do shopping by myself, and eat in the restaurants by myself. Those days I when I missed him but I can't tell him anymore because we are not friends. I just don't feel I will take him for granted, I am much more human than that. I will survive the hard days like I used to. When nobody loves me, when I am just a stranger in a crowd that doesn't even stand out. I already used to be alone.

He loves me, he loves me, he loves me, and I love him back. But I just never find joy, in our relationship. I never find peace. I continuously have battle of my mind and my heart. And I'm such a pussy for hiding it these years. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But, he is not gonna be my man anymore. I will find my own happiness without him in it. I'm tired of getting happy, but in the end knowing that it won't lasts.. that these happy days will pass and he will eventually become a bittersweet memory of my past.

I'm grateful to have him giving his best fight with me, the fight against the world that much stronger than us. I was stubborn, I wanted him forever by my side, when at the same time I realized he was always out of my league.

With my heart on my sleeve, it's harder to leave.